Beware of Guests!

If you don't like hosting guests, you shouldn't move abroad. When we first moved to Scotland all those people that we couldn't remember but suddenly were our best friends wanted to come and stay with us in our new holiday destination. I've stopped counting the number of visitors that have passed through Scotland in the 4.5 years we've been here. Early on we lived in a studio flat and didn't have the heart to say no to friends who wanted to crash at our place during their stay. Looking back it was kind of funny. 4 people sleeping in an ity bitty flat. My husband and I in our bed looking down on two of my girl friends who barely fit on the floor space. Our couch wasn't big enough to actually sleep on so other visitors would lay down and their feet would hang off the edge. But, we just didn't have the heart to say No. 

We'd been in Scotland about 9 months when I got an email from a friends old room mate. I knew of her because of my friend but we were never actually friends or anything. I got this email telling me how her dream has always been to visit Scotland. She then preceded to ask me if she could stay with us during her visit. I'm a people pleaser, I have trouble saying no. Please don't use that knowledge against me. So, I said yes. I explained that we lived in a studio flat and she wouldn't have a bed. Not even a couch to sleep on. It would be the floor. Hoping that would deter her from staying, but nope. She was after free accommodation, and we were it. Not only did she sleep on the floor but we were expected to cover her meals. She expected me to show her around and pay for sight seeing excursions for her. I barely knew her. But, she felt she knew me well enough to use me. She got one heck of a vacation on the De Bastos household. 

This next story is still a bit of sore spot with us. It happened almost 2 yrs ago. But, it was bad. My sister had an acquaintance whom was moving to Scotland and she asked me to look out for her. Sure, no problem. It might even be fun to have another American around. What ended up happening was something different. Upon her arrival we learned she still had not procured a place to stay. She asked us if she could stay with us for a few days while she got something lined up. She ended up staying for a month. She would have been there longer if we weren't moving the very next day and had family members coming to stay with us. When she arrived, her hair was bright purple. I have nothing against purple hair. What I do have a problem with is that the dye was so new she left two large purple stains on our white leather couch as well as my white towels and linens. No apologies were ever mentioned.

While I was pregnant and working full time, I was trying desperately to help her find a place to live. I was using my money to take her around on the bus and taxi's and using my time off to help her. I was exhausted to say the least, but nothing was good enough for her. We took her to church with us and she told the people there that if she didn't find a place to live before we moved, she would just move with us to our new place since it had an extra bedroom. She never cleaned up after herself and our flat was a pigsty. She wouldn't buy her own groceries and she was eating all our food. She would sit on her bum all day on the internet while my husband and I were at work. Then we'd come home and clean up her crap. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. She let me get on my hands and knees and scrub the bathtub while she watched. When we finally did find her a place to stay, we brought all of her belongings there and she then told us she wouldn't be staying there yet. I was livid. Why wouldn't she be staying in an apartment she paid for? At that point I was so livid I was about to have a heart attack. She ended up staying in Scotland for 6 months and left because she couldn't hack it. There is enough stuff that happened during that month for me to write a book about it. We never received a single Thank you for our troubles. We didn't even know her. Worst experience ever.

We're a bit older and wiser I'd like to think. We do things differently now that we did before. Here are some of the things we like to do for our visitors now. 

• While I can't house visitors any longer, I do try and help them find a place to stay. We send over links to our favorite hotels in the area and let them choose from them. We feel better about at least helping them find the right accommodation.
• Before they arrive I like to send them my favorite links and resources for things to do. While I can only handle the Scotland Top 10 so many times, I want to make sure that my visitors see them. We like to help plan their itinerary, if they will let us. We do live here after all!
• We hand over a pre-paid cell phone loaded with credits. It's nice to make sure they are able to get a hold of us when meeting up or texting for quick advice or information. 
• We hand over a map of the cities they are visiting. I can feel at ease knowing they can find their own way if I am unable to go with them.
• If they have something on their to-do list that I've not done, I make sure and go with them. I'm always up for some new adventure and it makes for some good times with friends.

Visitors can be great, especially when we're so far away from family and friends but if you travel abroad to see a friend please be gracious. Christy {Departure Dairies} has some tips for visiting friends abroad. I'd echo her statements from the rooftop for my next guests! DO THIS in other words: 


The minute someone announces that they’ll be moving abroad or taking an extended trip, others jump on the bandwagon, seemingly from the woodwork! Friends and family and even nearly-perfect strangers all want to share in the excitement, intrigue, romance of travel and exploration! I’ve heard cries of “I’m soooooooo coming to visit you!” from my sister, mother, countless friends and even my hair dresser!

source

While I’m excited to go and explore solo on my trip, I’m also excited to have people come and visit me! I’ve hosted numerous people, at sea, on land, et cetera; I’ve had enough experience with playing host to have formed solid, reasonable expectations for a guest. While I'm living in Rome, I expect my house guests to do the following:

RESEARCH

Do your own research before you arrive. There is nothing more frustrating for a host than a guest who doesn’t know what they want to do, and sloughs off every expectation for “having a good time” on their host. Keep in mind: Your host lives in the place you’re visiting. He/She will know of some great things to do there, but he/she will not know what it is you are truly interested in. You may think that saying “I’ll do whatever” means you’re being flexible and trying to work with your hosts schedule, but it’s actually quite stressful for the host. Spend a few minutes on tripadvisor.com researching things to do in the place you’re visiting.

TIME

Keep in mind that your host lives where you’re visiting: While you may be on vacation and are feeling care free and out for non-stop fun, your host is probably not on vacation (That’s why he/she is still at home), sure the host may be able to get a day or two off from work to tour you around the region, but at the end of that time the host will have to return to work – be respectful of your host’s time.

I once hosted a guyfriend’s girlfriend for the weekend. It.Was.Awful. I asked only that they text me to let me know when she would be dropped off each night, so I could let her into the house (I wasn’t comfortable giving her a key). They would text me at half ten pm and not show up for four more hours. Really, really frustrating.

I’m not going to be working while I’m in Rome, but I will have personal projects going on – reading, writing, learning the language, so don’t expect that I can or will want to devote every waking hour to doting on you. I’m not a babysitter. I like my independence. You should, too.

CLEANLINESS

You may have just scored a free place to stay, but you’re not staying in a hotel and there is no maid!! Clean up after yourself. Make your bed. If you’re sleeping on a couch in a public room, fold up your blankets and sheets and pack away your suitcase during the day. You’re in someone else’s home.

MEALS

Most hosts will provide breakfast for you, and sometimes feed you every single meal. (Personally, my lifestyle is not such that I can offer that to a guest.) If your host offers to feed you, please let him/her know, in advance, if you have any food allergies or special dietary needs. 

A couple of friends came to stay in my house for a few nights – I asked if there were any allergies or preferences for food before they arrived, and the answer came back, ‘no’ – however, on arrival, (at 11:00 at night) I found out that one of the guests had a milk allergy and was just expecting a piece of toast in the morning. I don’t usually keep bread in my house and had nothing to feed her in the morning, despite my efforts.

RESOURCES

-Sure, I have a good job, but I live relatively modestly. Don’t expect me to spend my hard-earned resources on your vacation. Yes, I want to go and play with you and I can pay for my own tickets and meals, but I’m not going to pay for yours. This is especially true for the time I’ll be abroad. My resources will be limited. You’ll be expected to pay for your share of what you do.

Horror story:

I live in a duplex house and know the girls who live next door to me fairly well. They somehow ended up hosting a girl for several weeks. Every few days I’d hear horror stories about how awfully this guest was behaving. The guest, an RN (that’s a nurse, if you didn’t know) with a great job in the area, had her lease run out on her without the option to renew (the house was being sold). She knew it was happening but failed to actually go out and find a new place to live. Instead, she invited herself to stay with my neighbors because it was free. While she banked her paychecks, she ate their food. She ran up their utilities. She used their laundry soap. She used their shampoo and toiletries. She monopolized their living room, leaving her clothing and belongings strewn everywhere. She invited her boyfriend over to make out in the living room until the wee hours of the morning, and played movies very loudly. Then she took all the money she savedand went to Thailand for several months. To this day, she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

I’m not sure why there is such a sense of entitlement among so many people these days, and so little willingness to work for what one does have. Mooches are not welcome.

If you're my guest*:

-Expect to pay for your own meals if we eat out.

-Expect that my apartment in Rome will be tiny and there may only be one bed. You may have to share, or sleep on a futon.

-Expect to pay for your own airplane tickets, train tickets, taxis and other ground transportation.

-Expect to pay for your own tickets to tourist attractions. (I’ve already been, if I go again, it’s to go with you, not because I want to pay to see the same place again).

-If we have to rent a car or a vehicle, expect to pay for half the rental and gas.

Have questions for Christy or Mary? Leave them in the comments!